Tony Soprano, green tea and Valium – the only way to fly

I’ve been having one of those, what the hell am I doing in Guangzhou? moments. You know the feeling. You rock up to Guangzhou, float around a bit, buy a few trinkets you don’t need, pay nearly $30 for a burger and some suspicious-looking chips… and then you think (a) How did I get here and (b) Why am I here again?

Happens to the best of us, I know.

As you may have gathered, I’m already beginning to reach that spaced-out jet-laggy headspace and I’m only two hours out of sync with Sydney. But by the time I get on my next plane, I will have been awake for nearly 24 hours.

I had a pretty good flight. I read my book. I watched four episodes of The Sopranos. I had nice people sitting near me (but not too close). Luckily I brought my laptop and James Gandolfini, as there was zero in-flight entertainment.

It was definitely a no-frills affair, but for <$1500 to Paris and back, I am not complaining. I just pressed that button a lot that makes someone come and frown at you and ask you what you want. I want some green tea please. And some water.

Water – OMG. This appears to be in perilously short supply ever since I stepped on the plane. Like, even more than usual while travelling. To top it off, Guangzhou is the second hottest airport on the planet (the first is Vanuatu’s).

I don’t know why airlines serve water in such scant supply. IT’S NOT EXPENSIVE. Okay, I know it’s heavy, but seriously, I’m parched! And then I rock up to this subtropical humidifier of an airport and I can’t even find anywhere to refill my drink bottle.

Oh no wait, I can. They have a water fountain downstairs. It serves a selection of warm, hot and boiling water. No, I’m not kidding. THEY ARE TRYING TO TURN US INTO DUMPLINGS. I refused to partake.

Hence, I paid $28 for a burger, two chicken wings, some Pringle-type things, a few pieces of random fruit that I probably shouldn’t have eaten (why do you always get honeydew melon when you travel?), a can of Sprite AND a bottle of Evian.

The latter two are what pushed my bill over a reasonable limit (and the USD$20 I had prepared in my wallet). The meal was supposed to come with a Coke, but since it’s getting on for midnight here, I can’t have caffeine in general and I’ve been shaking all day, Coke was really not a viable option.

But Coke was the *only* option. It could not be swapped. I begged and pleaded and almost cried, until eventually the waitress agreed to swap it for l’eau. Which turned out to be a thimble-full of lukewarm tap water. That was enough for me. I broke down and ordered two real drinks and used the glass of warm water as a finger bowl. (Seriously, the chicken was greasy. Take that you water-hogging waitress.)

But all in all, Guangzhou is not such a bad airport. I had read some fairly intense horror stories online. I was expecting all out guerrilla warfare over seating and phone charging points, and squat toilets that I’d wouldn’t physically be able to use. (Travelling alone = peeing with one’s luggage – think about it. Actually, don’t).

Just an ordinary airport...

Guangzhou is a pretty average airport. It’s an airport. Airports are boring. Nobody wants to be in them. You don’t go travelling to be at the airport (unless you are Kath or Kim). You go travelling to be somewhere exciting that is written on the sign at the airport.

I’d say that most of the scathing reviews (eg: nothing to do, no wifi, filthy toilets, overpriced food, rude staff) were written by les américains. After all, they think Hawaii is international travel.

The first two complaints are neither here nor there. It’s not a hotel or a theatre, it’s an airport. I’m not quite sure what they expect in terms of entertainment. A marching band? It’s not the Super Bowl! Buy a book!

The toilets are totally fine. The food is overpriced and the staff are pretty much indifferent, but I’m from Sydney so none of that really registers with me. Meh. It’s not the greatest airport in the world, but it’s not the complete disaster that online reviewers would have you believe.

There was also a review by a woman who complained bitterly that she had to exit a plane via the tarmac. And it was hot outside. Oh, the horror! Do these people have any concept of travelling, whatsoever?

Back to my flight. I’ve been having bad shaking lately. I was worried about this on the plane. Not just for my sake, but for the sake of those around me. I asked at the check-in counter if I could be quarantined, or similar. (And yay if I got an extra seat. It’s not that often I get to capitalise on having a movement disorder, so bring it on.)

I was hoping that I’d get upgraded or something – at least to Economy Plus. Although, the only discernible difference I could see between us and them was a slight alteration in chair upholstery. Apparently they get extra snacks. Whatevs.

I did get an extra seat. But I also had to be screened by the airport doctor to certify that I was “fit to fly”. I’d be fit to fly off the bloody handle if he declared me otherwise. I also had to pay $80 for the privilege. But I did get an extra seat on the way to China.

So I had my seats, my green tea, my HBO and my benzos. I’ve been quite anxious lately and the Rivotril now seems to be making that worse (which makes no sense, but apparently that can happen – reverse effects). So the doctor gave me some Valium for the next few weeks. So I had that too.

But it’s not really for me. I don’t like the uneasy feeling of pills wearing off and on, and the benefits are short-lived. Once they wear off you often feel more strung out than before. What is the point?! However, they have been a godsend during my flights. I don’t think that I could have tolerated 28 hours of constant shaking, claustrophobia and feeling on the verge of a panic attack.

I’m now really looking forward to simply walking around Paris and starting to feel normal again in a normal way. Every time I feel that awful stab of anxiety I picture les Jardins du Luxembourg. I feel better just walking around this bloody airport!

So there is my experience thus far. I will have to post this once I get to Paris, because you have to either be Chinese or have a Chinese sim card to get wifi to work here unfortunately.

Elle xoxo

P.S. I am editing this on my second flight. We’re less than an hour or so from Paris! I didn’t get an extra seat this time, but I did manage to pass out for a while. Woo hoo! I feel like something Kurt Cobain coughed up, but I’m nearly there.

Also, we got a proper, new Airbus this time that had like, movies and stuff and didn’t look like a relic from the 70s. C’est bon. Still loving James though ; ) x